Book I - About People (Part 1)

If you talk to people, people will talk to you.

Most of people interact with you out of curiosity not care. When someone gonna actually care, then it’s you who won’t.

Am gonna expose how staying away from developing close relationships with people, is beneficial for two major reasons. First; when you develop close relations with people, those who are around you at that moment will leave sooner or later, it happens, and you’ll develop a feeling of loneliness once they take off, it becomes then much harder, as you've actually experienced what it’s like to be surrounded. You feel the difference and you feel how good it used to be when people were around and lots of sharing was happening, conversations and attention… Whereas, when you’re all by your self from the very first place and don’t develop close relationships with people, you get used to it as it’s the only situation you know, and as it’s the one which you choose for your self. You develop a sentiment of coexistence with the feeling till you actually make benefit from it. At that moment, the coming or going of people don’t affect you that hard as they have no power on affecting your constant state of solitude.

The second reason is when it comes to what people are capable of offering you, its bases is the second part of the first reason. In the constant state of solitude and not loneliness, you choose that state, you believe it brings the best out of you, and you can operate much more effectively and efficiently under it. You learn how to count on your self, how to get your things done, to take your decisions, or empower your self, to progress, to have fun, to learn what you can do for pleasure. Once you learn all this things, you balance your life, you get experienced on how to offer your self happiness, how to work for it, how to pay for it, and on the other hand you also learn how to deal with your pain and sorrow. You learn how to make use of “bad” circumstances that might occur every now and then, either as a test, a punishment, or out of simple bad calculation of some actions’ consequences.

This whole strategy of learning how to deal with one self get messed up once others get on the line. As there is only two kinds of emotions from which everything derives, which are ‘Happiness’ and ‘Sadness’, then even people are unable of offering you anything but one of these too. Once you develop the ‘advanced state of solitude’ as I like to call it, and balance your happiness as well as your sorrows, introducing people into your personal zone will engender them giving you either joy or sorrow. In a balanced self situation you are absolutely in no need of the happiness others might offer, you’re perfectly capable of creating your own, so why put your self into the risk of the sorrow they might and probably will affect you with and make you feel. The potential risk of the harmfulness coming from relationships exceeds by far the potentiality of joy they might be able to bring, which is always to be temporary and surely not out of purity of purpose.

The reasons behind people’s interactions can never be trusted as it is never out of purity of purpose. Sometimes for reasons you, your self are not interested in. in most times, the purpose is a fulfillment of some kind of curiosity about you, to know who you are what you do, how you think, even the daily attention is driven by curiosity; people asking for your news, your daily activities, your plans never comes out of actually caring. Ask your self why would this person have any interest in knowing what did an hour ago? how my parents are doing? Or how the decision I took turned out to be?

In the worse case, the attention and surrounding might not be out of curiosity, but out of having absolutely nothing to do at that particular moment In which they are surrounding you or interacting with you, weather it’s a minute, two hours or 6 month. Little longer than that makes the case different.

Some of these people generally don’t come to realize that their interaction with you was only out of curiosity or time wasting till the moment they stop, then when they question the ‘persistence’ in seeking your news or the ‘quality time’ spent with you and how it doesn't matter anymore or just seem like it never happened, then they come to find the real motives that drove them to do so from the very first place.

Academic story .. A Life changing story.

Many people still ask me about the reasons behind my coming to Istanbul for studies. I actually don’t have a clear answer to that, to be honest, but what am sure of and about to expose to you, is that it was a well thought decision that came after a serial of circumstances at a certain time. Verily Allah’s plan was occurring.

Let’s go back a little bit in time to be able to understand. I was an Economic sciences student in high school, my passion is politics, it’s what I want study, what I want do with my life, what I believe I exist for (at least till the moment). So I was hoping to be able to continue my studies in this field after high school. After high school, you basically have three choices, public faculties, private schools, and abroad. To keep up with the division, I wasn't really into studying in a public faculty because it simply does not offer the political science major I want to study with the staff, conditions, programs, courses, professors that I judge necessary for such a major. The second choice is something I was introduced to via national students forums and it’s so that I discovered a private school specialized in Political sciences, a very prestigious one, that not everybody can gets in… words can never describe how exited I was when I came to know that, or the excitement I felt once I got accepted, I quiet remember how it was a hell of a process with grades and documents and tests and visits and money and everything imaginable to get in. My parents didn't save an effort, as they knew it was almost a dream coming true to me. I thought I was actually taking the first step into the future am dreaming of, I thought I was on the right path to achieve all my ambitions. Though it wasn't really the case. Back then, I still remember many people warning me about this particular school, its ideological concepts, goals, project, that has nothing to do with the path I want to take. My father was one of them. I didn't listen. After a while I knew they were right, but it was kind of too late.

I will finish this school’s story later, but let me talk about the third choice. Studying abroad was never something I considered, but I was quite confident that I have the ability and potential plus courage to do it, as I did believed that in order to achieve what I want I must take a distinguished academical path.. So I did consider studying abroad. I was always kind of hang up on Gulf countries (and still, I’ve no idea why). At my biggest surprise the University of la Sorbonne (one of the prestigious French universities) had a branch in Abu Dhabi in Emirates, I applied to it, and I was planning on applying to some universities in Turkey too, but once got accepted in the private school I talked about earlier, I didn't apply to any Turkish university and received an acceptance letter from la Sorbonne In Abu Dhabi, but there was no reason for me to go there anymore. I got everything I want in here.

So to go back to the Private school story, from the very beginning I started realizing that all what people who were concerned about my education said was true, but still I hesitated and felt like it’s doable. Till the day I came to be convinced about two importance things: first, the ideological basis of this school’s project has nothing to do with mine, the knowledge they offer is orientated, something I always came against because I couldn't accept for my brain to be washed (literally) or for them to think am supporting the sick and wrong ideas they were believing in and teaching me. The important thing is that when I say “they” I mean; administration, professors, students.. practically every single person in that school’s building, so when I say “I come against some kind of their ideas” I come against all these people, which by time took me lots of energy of nerves, ıt just wasn't doable anymore to get in intellectual wars every day with every single person practically. Second, I came to know not just that am not in harmony with the school’s project but that it was effecting my grades and that I wasn't going to succeed there anyhow. I have to admit that part of that was on me and my laziness in some mandatory activities that they were so stupid for me to take seriously; such as Personal Development and developing communication, French courses, sports.. But the real problem was when it comes intentionally from the staff whether administration or professors and they start taking sides, and it was getting worse, as they were hosting some diplomatic personalities and other personalities that are known in Morocco with their sick ideas but in our school they were heroes, something I couldn't bear up with, not to talk about the anti-Islam ideology that was predominant in everything that goes around there. I really don’t want go there. I felt targeted, in fact I was. So I had no clue what to do. But it was all crystal clear once as the school was hosting a lecture where one of the ministers was taking part and I knew him personally, so as I met him by the end of the event he saw me and he was like “what are you doing here?” then I got the message. After a week I left the school, it was in March, I spent the next few months home just reconsidering everything and thinking over and over the academical suicide I made. I hit the bottom, but I was determent not to let this stop me. I must go in my way. So as April, May and June passed so slowly on me experiencing what it’s like to stay at home with no school no classes no clue of what am going to do with my future.

Praying Istıkhara in one of Istanbul's Mosques
when I was there in summer.

Summer came; I was pretty busy with a national forum then a party congress. Many activities were taking place including Ramadan in which I had a major change, I discovered God and Faith within me (as vague as it sounds), which emphasize what they say about how crisis changes you (something I’ll talk about in details in another post inshallah). Meanwhile I applied again to la Sorbonne, Istanbul Şehir University and tried to find ways to get into university in Rabat and be a law student to choose later International Relations major, though I knew I won’t find the academical level I want but it seemed like I’ve no other choice. And so it was, I got accepted in la Sorbonne again, got accepted in Istanbul Şehir University and found a way to get into university in Rabat. So I decided to stay in Rabat got registered, got a room in a private campus, everything was settled. Just before school starts in couple of weeks, I had the chance to participate in a congress in Istanbul, it brought Turk and Arab youth to debate about political issues, the congress was held in Istanbul Sehir University and we were staying in its dorm, so I got a close look at the university, the staff, students, the city. I was amazed. Once back to Morocco, I told my father that I have to go back because I think I might have a shot at becoming what I want and achieving my ambitions if I started my academical career in Turkey, in an international university in Istanbul and in an environment that gives opportunities to youth..

He said: I knew you’ll come back with this idea; I can do nothing but support you in whatever you decide.

The courses were to start in two weeks, so I was in marathon with dad; getting a visa all documents set.. it 

was a hell of two weeks but we made it through. I remember my self praying to Allah, if it was best for me to go to Turkey to make all the administrative work easier, and if it wasn't for my good to go there, then he shall make obstacles and I’ll get the message. For that I was pretty relaxed knowing that whatever Allah’s plan for me I’ll accept it. Dad was even surprised of how deeply I believed in that.

So this is the story, things got arranged, everything is nothing like what I already know, everything is new, I came alone, I’ve no one here, I found what I was looking for in university, am doing good, having a quiet interesting life which I’ll be talking about in a later post for whom ever interested in this life experience.

Till then, keep up with the hard work and be kind.

Classy

“I have for the first time found what I can truly love–I have found you. You are my sympathy–my better self–my good angel–I am bound to you with a strong attachment. I think you good, gifted, lovely: a fervent, a solemn passion is conceived in my heart; it leans to you, draws you to my centre and spring of life, wrap my existence about you–and, kindling in pure, powerful flame, fuses you and me in one.” 

― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

Ramadan .. The Iman Laboratory

Today is the 11th day of Ramadan, a sacred fasting month, a special spiritual occasion to reconnect with Allah, to visit family, to do some social work, to redefine religion's basics, to worship God, to thank him and ask him for forgiveness. For some, it's the occasion to remember that they're actually Muslims :)

Ramadan this year is different for me, I decided to take some serious decisions, to repair the damage my soul suffered from this past few years, or let's say this year specifically. Generally and in a religious aspect, I can say that am a girl who knows the different between wrong things and rights ones, and during this past few years I've been making some very big sins. Guess it time for a Tawba !
What comforts me though is that at least, I've always known my mistakes, what I should work on, and the things I must let go of, in order to become a better muslimah and a better person who has a very good relationship with Allah.

So this Ramadan came as the month full of spirituals, shaytan is no longer here. The general ambiance actually helps a lot, and it's from Allah's mercy to his slaves that he gave us this month each year so that we can : recharge our Iman, remember Allah, why we're here, do some good, help people and work on its relation with its creator.
Ramadan is sort of a laboratory, you get the chance to test your self, like; the ambiance is just perfect, and the heaven's doors are open, everybody goes to Masjid, everybody is fasting and getting closer to Allah, by praying in time, being good to people ... and so on. So in this month you can actually work on your self so that you can become a better believer a better muslim, everything is here and ready, all it takes is you to have the courage and the will to take some serious decision concerning your general behavior in order to work on the religious aspect of your soul and Allah will eventually help you.

By experience, as Ramadan started, first thing I decided is to be more obedient to my parents, to listen to papa and help my mama :D and it worked pretty well, second, I decided that I'll be visiting my family more often, and this is something that the Prophet (pbuh) asked us to do. And after that comes doing my prayers in time, praying Taraweeh every night, try not to lie, not to talk behind people's back, not to laugh about silly thing, listen to less music, less useless chat, read some Quran, read some interesting books ...

The main difference I noticed as I've been trying to do all this, is that I had a strange feeling called "Serenity" I've never felt it before, I mean you can feel like in a peaceful state of mind or something but Serenity- Sakina, comes only with Allah's grace. I am more happier, I fell energetic and willing to do a lot of things, I feel the presence of God, I feel how he hears my prayers, how he's accepting my Istighfar and so on.
Speaking of prayers, before I got in the new Ramadan System, it was pretty much hard for me to pray Allah, I was like : well am no good muslim how can I pray Allah, and expecting him to answer my prayers !? But like now Hamdulilah, thank god, I pray whenever I want, I pray for anything and everything and am sure deep in my heart that Allah will answer my prayers and that he's hearing them. I can see Allah's grace all around me in whatever I do everyday, like am surrounded by its halo allhamdulilah :)

And one last thing, as I've been reading DeVon Franklin's book "Produced bu Faith" there's a part where he came to a conclusion and he says :

"To get where you wanna go, you have to become the person God wants you to be first" 

And its true. Because as am working on my faith, am actually becoming the person Allah created to be, and automatically I can see how I got more confident in Allah's plan for me and that he'll direct me to the right path so that I can arrive where I want. Just during this few days I experienced Allah's presence and how many things were easier and I came to solutions to many problems related directly to either short or long term projects and future .. Alhamdulilah :))

Be in the best spiritual state of mind, and get closer to your creator it's Ramadan, a chance per year don't miss it, you never know f you'll live for another Ramadan to come or not :)

Peace be upon you all..

I just wanna say THANK YOU Mom for the extra effort you do in Ramadan  ♥♥ 

Prayers .. When you plan, to be surprised !

With eyes that sees the Beauty 
And steps that touches the Dream ..
I say Bismi'Allah.

O'Allah, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can change, and the wisdom to know the difference.

This Marc Aurele prayer got me thinking into many things, and I've been praying it everyday.
I found it very deep, logic and it just gathers everything I may ask Allah now, knowing where I stand in my life.
It gave me enough courage to accept some choices that are no more available, to accept all the bad things that happen in the past, to accept some current events that I can't change, some circumstances...
It gave me also enough strength to stand up (or get up first) and face all what I've to face right now, to do what I've to do, to take control of my life, to get my self busy doing what I like to do most, changing some bad habits, getting some good ones and so on.
Seeing the difference between what I can change and what I cannot is still a bit difficult but am working on it.

This power of acceptance gives the person such a huge relief and serenity. Since I started praying it, knowing deeply that Allah won't let me down and try my best to trust him and trust his plans. The first huge step was when I stopped asking my self the question "why this happened to me?"
When I stopped asking this stupid question, and got the idea that I gotta move on and I can't stop my life over something that became a past and eventually is not even a big deal, leaving school! so what it might be the most amazing thing that will ever happen to me, I mean who knows ! Really, I felt such an inter peace with my self, with the past, the present, and constructed a better clear image of what my future will probably look like.

As DeVon Franklin said on Super Soul Sunday last week, what important to do in conflicts during our lives is how we prepare for them before they happen, and how we react to them, cuz we don't control their happening, we might see it coming, sometimes we can stop it, sometimes they're just Allah plans for us, and who knows better than him what's good for us?

I trust Allah with my life, he gave me such a beautiful soul that am carrying in me, and surely planed for me an exiting life where I'll invest this soul. No worries anymore. I just feel like am armed, and nothing can break me, Allah's with me !

Keep planing to be surprised with what Allah is planing for you :)
Allah .. Thank you for accepting my prayers.
Peace be upon you all.

Super Soul ... when I get Spiritual

Selamualaikum wrt wbt,

Well, as you can see or feel through my posts, I've became kinda interested in The Spiritual things lately. Of course I didn't use to, and I've never considered my self as a spiritual person. I've been raised in a technical way, on analyzing things, understanding them in their contexts ...
The value of Love in our relationship with God, trusting him, doing what he loves, feeling his existence ... are just things I wasn't confronted to during my life. Weather in my childhood or in my relations with the closer people to me, or even the books I read, lectures I attended etc.

The experience I had this year, changed many things in me, and also made me reorganize the way I consider values in my life, my spirit was one of this sacred things I rediscovered in myself.
It all started with a stupid idea at the time that I used to think about a lot. The simple idea was may inability to understand the relationship between me and God, their was some moments when I felt the grace of God and its blessings but I was wondering how can God loves me, as am not doing all what he asks and doing some wrong things. I saw his love in some decisions, some doors that got open, some relationships, conflicts, I saw it pretty much in everything; I just couldn't understand it, I never heard about such things, never been confronted to it, so I thought I was just imagining specially that the way I've been raised, obliged me to think that religion is Islam so if am not doing all what Islam asks and didn't stay away from the forbidden things then I've no right to talk about any kinda relationship between me and God. The idea I got was wrong.

Because Islam is one thing and Faith is another thing.

Now I started believing that in order to become a better Muslimah I should probably have a strong faith first and not the opposite as I always thought.
In my life, two things got me confronted to the spiritual part of me, and it's all just lately. The first one is with some girl friends of mine as we had a meeting every week when we only talk about religion, faith, quran and all. In this meeting called "Al-Jalsa" we discussed a Sheikh's book, the Sheikh is called Farid Alnsari (peace be upon him) and the book's name was "The beauty of the Religion".

The Beauty of Religion by Sheikh Farid Al-Ansari (pbuh)

In this book, the Sheikh really talks about all the beauty and mercy we have in our religion, in this book I've discovered it in the very most amazing way, cuz the way he describes it and the way he talks about it makes you think about how you can actually get closer to God and be loved by him. This book, for me personally, talks about a very high level of spiritual balance that every muslim should have it in his life as he believes in a religion, a balance that most muslims don't have it cuz they're so busy getting satisfied by the five prayers or the pilgrimage, indeed they are mandatory things but in fact the're leaving aside the most important part of their religion wish is Faith.

The second situation that opened my eyes even more in this domain was as Oprah Winfrey's new TV show "Super Soul Sunday" in this show she invites some spiritual people and writers who share their vision of things, God, prayers, life ...etc with Oprah's audience. I've watched couple episodes on livestream, it's very inspiring.
Oprah invited DeVon Franklin who's a Hollywood producer and a writer of an amazing book called "Produced by Faith", DeVon is a very religious person, and got spiritual after his father death when he was 9 years old; In this book he wrote about how he takes life for a movie with each person's scene, God who's the director and who wants the best of the actors who are us ... he also talks about how we should accept what happen in our life and how we should feel the presence of God with us, how to deal with God plans for us and all, as I watched the show he got me rethinking about so many thing in my life.
There was specially one idea that I liked much, he said and I quote :

• If your faith won't fit in the door that opened, then I argue do not walk through that door. The door that God had opened for you, will fit your faith.

And actually, as he was talking about some conflicts he had in his own life, and how he relies on God, and how God do answer his sincere prayers, I was like he's a christian and he has this strong faith in God and such a strong relationship with him, so how can he not enter heaven? Are muslims that I know and who only do technical things Islam asked them to do, and with no faith or belief or any kind of spiritual relation with their creator are going to enter heaven? I have no answer to these questions, but the ideas the guy shared were so deep, hope my uncle will find me the book in Germany and bring it to me "Produced by Faith". 



This book is a life changing thing, it's going to change many things in me. I can feel it already.

Well, if you wanna watch the show herez Super Soul Sunday's livestream link :
http://www.livestream.com/supersoulsunday/video?clipId=pla_0b97a5b4-620a-498b-89a8-28d57d28fe1c

Enjoy the show for those who are interested and pray for me :)

Time and Me

Peace bu upon u all,

As I was reading in my favorite book "Vivre Content" by Jean Louis Servan-Scherelber. I found some very intreresting and ispiring ideas that I marked and that I'll be publishing some of them in here from time to time.

In a section where he talks about how time is very relative and how the good moments actually fades away faster than the bad ones. He said :

• " Le cadran de ma montre est rond, les heures y donnent l'impression de se contenter d'y tourner. Les saisons se succèdent et, au coeur de l'hiver, je rêve au printemps. Le soleil se lève chaque matin, et je compte sur celui de demain." 

In the last few weeks, I went literally from being super busy to having nothing to do. I can still remember as I was in school, the huge work we had to do for each day something more than what 24h can offer, between preparation, classes, writings, presentations, readings and all. But I always found a way to plan my schedules and get everything ready in time hamdulilah. Didn't sleep many nights didn't hang out most of weeks and so on. I put so much effort back then, I was proud of what I was doing and how I was doing it. 

Am an active person, I like to keep my self busy. 

But what happen this last few weeks is that as I left school I suddenly found my self staying at home all day long, doing what ? pretty much nothing. I sleep around 5:00 am and woke up the next day in the evening. I knew that its was wrong, but I was enable to think of anything useful to do, or to be more honest I didn't want to.

As time passes I was not even counting the days, it was a bit hard for me to recognize on which day we were or even what time is it. I didn't care. I had a rough time that I went through it alone.

The thing now is that it all changed hamdulilah, I can't specify what exactly changed the way I saw things or how my state of mind changed, because many things got involved in the process, the two important ones are the death of my grand pa and the very inspiring book av been reading.

For what concerns the book, it actually showed me that the self destruction by doing nothing won't lead to anything good, especially that the time wasted won't be coming back under any kind of circumstances. If u are someone who have dreams and goals that you wanna achieve, you can't sit down, well maybe for a while .. but you'll get bored, why ? because you're not doing anything that can get you closer to your dreams. This idea made me realize that I should do one thing at least everyday that will make me get closer to my goals. And it's working pretty well.

For what concerns my grand pa's death (may Allah bless his soul), well he was actually home with us, he was pretty sick for a while before he's death and we all knew that he was going to die. But what inspired me in his death is one simple though I had just after I knew he died. I was in my room, I woke up, it was a beautiful morning, when mom came to me and told me the news.
As I got up from my bed and got dressed cuz I knew that people will start visiting and all, I opened the window, I looked into the blue sky. My grand- pa was dead in the next room, and it's just a beautiful morning like all other mornings and probably they'll be some more, I started to think that he left life, with all her pain and joy, and life will continue without him, he won't be present to see many things that will change, many people .. he's gone and life goes on. The idea might be seen as a stupid one, but for me it's a very deep one, a thought that didn't leave my mind till this moment, and whenever I notice something beautiful, or attend a family gathering I remember it. 

I was confronted to two deaths of beloveds in my life, my aunt's husband and my grand pa, so am still trying to understand the concept, and to get some deep inspirations from it.
The very inspiring little words plus a major tragedy who both came after a long period of self destruction, made me realize the value of many things that I have in my life and especially Time.

And that's how I discovered it's value, not when I was super busy, not when I needed more but when I had plenty of it and nothing to do with it.

A beautiful song to close up this beautiful topic :) Enjoy the angelic voice




Keep Calm and be Classy :) Selam

Chasing the Sun

Who will tell whether one happy moment of love and joy of breathing, or walking on a bright morning and smelling the fresh air, is not worth all the suffering and the effort which life implies.  

A walk

Asselamualikum wrt. wbt

I've been reading Charlotte Bronte's classic British novel "Jane Eyre" ( I like to feel classy from time to time ).
The first phrase of the novel was : There was no possibility of taking a walk that day.
I can't express how much I admire this phrase, the way it's written, so beautiful.
-----
I felt lonely. I wanted to go out for a walk. And so I did.
I wore my Brussels thing in maroon, wrapped a green scarf and of course my converse.  I went out with my phone on my pocket, my headphones. Bought two biscuits and a gum. Started walking, the weather was very cool, a sun coming and going, some clouds and a very refreshing cold air that I felt on my face from time to time, it moved the beautiful trees.
I'm a courageous person I go out alone. I'm not afraid of anyone, but I try to keep my self safe. If someone looked at me I cross the street immediately to the other side, I try to walk beside families or women. If I'm followed by some people it's okey, but I can't be followed by one male. It's the sign of danger.
I took out my phone with me, I was planing on listening to music as I was walking but I didn't for two reasons, first I was afraid that I might be followed or someone might talk to me and I won't be able to hear him and anything can be caused by that, And second, I figured that it's kinda amusing to listen to the cars and tracks noise as I was walking beside the road. Whatever.
At some point and as I approached the fountain, small water drops started falling from the sky, it was about 18h30 and the sun was still in the sky. I actually hate rain and everybody who knows me knows that. To be honest, I kinda hoped it rained then. I wanted to get wet, but it didn't, as I crossed the street, the little drops stopped, it was all sunny again.
As I kept walking I couldn't help staring at people. Couples, families, teenagers...
I arrived to MacDonald's, my destination. I had already walked for more than half an hour.
Why MacDonald ? Just to remember my days of glory. When I was in Rabat, every time I finished a school task I used to go there to celebrate with my self. I always take the same order, the cheapest.
Took the order and set by the window, I always sit by the window, I like to watch people going and coming from the glass. In my city, The MacDonald's square is very known, it's actually the crossroad of the whole city. You can see all kind of people in there.
While I was eating, and as I was lost in my memories, I almost had tears in my eyes. Remembering the state of mind and soul in which I was the last time I ate this meal and the one in which I am now. I felt so hopeless and stupid. I felt lonely for a second.
I kept watching the cleaning boy, I don't know how to call him exactly. He waited for clients to finish their meals so that he can clean the tables, and then cleans the floor, checking the trash can, changing the plastic bag, cleaning the tables again. He didn't stop, and I didn't stop either from watching as I was finishing my french fries. He had a serious look on his face, the look of someone who's trying to do his thing in the very best way, knowing that he's not doing something that important.
I've never been to MacDonald in my city. Today was my first time.
As I walked out, I felt again the fresh cold wind on my face. I adore it.
I decided to take the bus on my way back, I was tired I couldn't go back home walking again, I had to walk a whole boulevard before I can find the bus station. It was ok, even if I was tired I wasn't ready to enter home yet anyway. As I was walking on the train station boulevard as we call it and shewing the gum, this time I was walking faster. Cafes were all along the street, I don't like to be watched while I'm passing by the people siting on this cafes tables, I was walking very quickly. As I was approaching the train station, it was very easy to recognize people coming from Rabat, the people who usually work there and live in Kénitra they are so many. Generally they are well dressed people.
I arrived to the bus station, it's been about two years since I took a bus in my city. I stood where people looked like they were waiting for the bus. five minutes after that, a couple of buses stopped and I didn't know which one I should take but all the people stepped on the first one, so I stepped on the second. Because I knew that the place where I live is the bus's final stop, and the people who stepped in the first didn't look like people from my neighborhood.
I stood in the bus near the window, there was empty chairs in the back. I never sit in the back.
I arrived home safely, no one was there, I remain silent for a while as I was in my balcony.
I felt hopeless and stupid. I felt lonely again.

My neighborhood + MacDonald s 

The train station boulevard + The buss

My balcony, an amazing view on the 4th floor.
Be safe, try not to be lonely.
Be happy !
Selamualeikum wrt wbt.